Finally, the last of the journal entries. Thanks for reading, your understanding, your kind words, and your patience in the last couple entries of nothing but infertility stuff. After this, we will get back to posting about our boring, every day lives!

March 1, 2008
I could tell that my body was going to start menstruating (men hate this word!) so I got frantic and went out and bought a home pregnancy test. It is only a day before I'm suppose to go in for the blood test. It turned out that it was negative. I'm not pregnant. I cried but it didn't last long. I guess I'm just use to it now and really don't have the highest expectations. Does that mean that I don't have enough faith? Maybe. Sometimes I just figure that no matter how much faith I have, if it's not meant to be, it's not going to happen and there is nothing I can do about that. When I told Kylan he was disappointed but not upset. He felt ok knowing we had frozen eggs we could still use. There were four eggs that were frozen so we will use all of them that make it. That means more drugs, more shots, more weight gain. UGH.

April 1, 2008
I've just started back on the meds. We will do the implantation in a couple weeks. We are not sure there will be any viable eggs after they thaw. So weird to think your kid could be in some tube, frozen. Technology is amazing. I'm not looking forward to all of the shots. This time I have to wear patches on my stomach. 6 at a time. They irritate my skin and I now have little squares all over my stomach. Pleasant. I guess now it is just a waiting game until the eggs are thawed and we see if any of them make it.

April 14, 2008
Jim called today and told us that two of the eggs made it through the "defrost" stage. Wed. we will go in for the implantation. I need to mentally prepare for the worst part, bed rest. I can barely tolerate it. It sounds wonderful until you are forced to do it and then all you want to do is get up and move around.

April 16, 2008
We went in this morning and they told us only one egg has continued to thrive. I am devastated. That just decreased our chances. There is nothing we can do but move forward. The implant process was the same as last time..The egg that was implanted was what they call "assisted hatching". They basically break the "shell" of the embryo to help it along and so the "stuff" inside can start to ooze out and stick better to the wall, the uterine (men really hate this word too) wall that is! Kylan is home now, so getting Keion to and from practice and everything he needs to do will be taken care of. That's one less burden. Kylan has been such a help and even though he doesn't have to do any of the physical drama of these procedures, he does have to put up with my drama. I'm sure that is much worse than what I'm going though. I don't know what I would do without him.

April 19,2008
I started spotting today. I'm not sad but mad. I'm probably more sad but it's manifesting as anger. I just blew up and told Kylan that I'm sick of lying around on my back all day for nothing and poking my body like a pin cushion just to start bleeding. Today was day 4 of bed rest and most people doing IVF only have 3 "princess days" where I have 5. I decided I was done and not going to waist another minute in bed. I didn't go out and run 5 miles or anything but I did get up and help get dinner ready for the missionaries... Unfortunately this is how the last implantation ended.

April 26, 2008
It is official. I'm not pregnant. The egg did implant for several days but then aborted. I had a couple pregnancy test because I started bleeding, while I was still taking all of my meds, and that is not suppose to happen. The doc had me come in and I did have HCG in my blood. I had to go in two days later to see if it had gone up or down, it went up but not enough to show that the embryo was thriving. I keep trying to do my famous "fake it till you make it" attitude but sometimes I just start crying. It doesn't last long, only a few minutes, and then I go on. I have to get a Rho-Gam shot, the egg implanted long enough for me to start forming antibodies. The only relief is knowing that it will be my last shot. It has been a long and difficult 4 1/2 years. It is nice to close this chapter and move on to the next. Every day will get easier. Keion was disappointed but didn't show too much emotion. I can't really think about him and his desire to have a little brother or sister (badly), it makes me feel horrible. He did say he would just play with Heber. That would be great if we weren't moving (Rachel, are you sure we can't take him w/us?).
Keion loves little kids and will have plenty of little ones to love wherever we move. Right now I just want to go run and never stop. Maybe if I run fast and long enough the emotions won't catch up.

Here is a picture of Kylan packing up the car with all of our goods to entertain us after the implantation.

Another lovely (sarcasm) photo of my just waking up from a nap.